"Xander can I ask you something?"
"Sure Ri. What's up?"
They were in the kitchen making breakfast for themselves. When Riley woke up that morning he was terrified of facing Buffy. She would expect him to kiss her and coo over her, and he couldn't stand the thought of touching her. He was still uncomfortable with himself after all the things he'd done and watched her do. He wasn't up to pretending everything was ok. Not even for the sake of keeping himself off her "to be killed on sight " list.
But Wes had said it would be all right. The ex-watcher and apprentice sorcerer had put on his glasses, kissed Oz, ruffled Riley's hair, and strolled out into the hall the like nothing was wrong. Oz had grinned at him, shrugged in a frighteningly profound way, and followed Wes out. Riley was a half-second away from hiding under the bed when Spike stepped through the door, grabbed his hand, and hauled him out. That was how he found himself walking into the living room with Xander and Spike in front of him and Oz and Wes behind him. They had surrounded him.
Reaching their destination was rather anti-climatic. Buffy was asleep on one end of the couch, Willow was asleep on the other. Cordelia was sitting in one of the chairs eating a plate of what looked like scrambled eggs. By the mutual agreement of their stomachs they moved to the kitchen to find Angel taking a mug of blood from the microwave, while Doyle and Giles ate their own plates of eggs.
Xander immediately appropriated the stove, and after murmuring a spell that caused the lights to dim for a second, he began asking for things from the fridge. Riley and the other men watched in awe as Wes, Oz, and Spike scrambled around the kitchen pulling down pans and ingredients from cabinets and a refrigerator that had been all but empty. When Doyle asked what was going on, Giles explained that it was a simple relocation spell. Xander had brought the things he wanted from somewhere else. Wesley laughed and said that he recognized the pans from their own kitchen in New Orleans.
Watching Xander do something so amazing, and seeing everyone else treat it so casually was beginning to bother Riley. He'd heard what Xander said about the magic causing Willow to change, and something about it driving someone from Giles' life. Xander had talked about it like it was alive.
"When you were talking to Willow, you said the magic changed her. Which is right, cause she isn't acting like herself. But you use magic, and yeah you're changed. But..."
"But not like Willow."
"Yeah."
Xander sighed and stared down at the pancake batter he was mixing. Turning his back on Riley he took the batter to the stove and called Spike over.
"Take over Blondie." The sorcerer handed the now empty mixing bowl to Wes and set him to making the next batch. Then he sat down at the table. Riley took the seat across from him and Angel came to stand behind Doyle. Xander stayed quiet for a moment, his eyes on Wes and Oz teasing each other while they mixed. Spike's voice joined the mock battle with threats of B positive instead of blueberries if they didn't hurry up. Finally, the dark haired young man turned his eyes back to the table.
"Angel and Doyle know some of this. Giles know more. But I've discovered things...I don't think even the counsel knows what I've learned."
"Xander, the counsel has experts that spend their lives studying magic."
"Yes Giles, but they're experts that focus on one or two different types of magic. And they rarely use them together. I taught myself, I'm still teaching myself. I didn't find out that you weren't suppose to be able to do more then one type of magic until I'd already learned a bunch of them. It made sense to me that if you needed a spell that had something to do with water you used the magic that the beings who were connected to it used. Same with everything else. I'd been using magic for over six months before I figured out that no one else would combine the spells and chants that I had."
"Good lord, no wonder you're so powerful. You're calling on multiple disciplines. Remarkable."
"Like I said, I didn't know I wasn't suppose to. And reading the books, well they weren't all just spells and lists of ingredients. I've read and studied the ideas about magic and it's origins and nature from a ton of different species and races. There a few very common ideas. The first is that magic is a living force. Now the human disciplines view it as a sort of mindless, directionless, power, that does the will of the magic user. Like an obedient slave. But others view it as an entity with a will and wants of it's own. And if you think about it, that makes a lot more sense. If it were mindless power we wouldn't be affected by using it. But that isn't how it works. People are constantly being reshaped and altered by their own use of magic. Sometimes, depending on what's already inside the person, they become a better person then they were before. Doyle for example, his visions are a type of magic. While he can't control them, they effect him the same way. His life had fallen apart, he was falling apart, but the magic changed that. It changed him. And because he was essentially a good person, because in the end all he wanted to do was help....the magic is making him into the person he needs to be to do that."
"But Willow was a good person, she only started using magic to help the Scoobies. I mean I didn't know her when you guys were in high-school together. But she's changed even from when I first met her on campus."
"Perhaps I could answer Mr. Finn's question Xander?"
"Go ahead Giles."
"Willow was a good person, but she was very young. Very unsure of herself. She was dealing with disinterested parents, being ostracized at school, and her own self-doubt and uncertainty. When she began practicing magic it was with the best intent, but the power of it was too much. Suddenly, she didn't have to be afraid of the cruelty of her fellow students. She could do things they never dreamed of. Her desire stopped being to help others and became to gain power for herself. Emotions provide energy, the stronger the emotion the more energy, greed is a very strong emotion."
"That's something that all the texts I've read agree on. They also agree that magic 'feeds' on that energy. In the end, magic strips us down to our strongest feelings. If their good feelings we change for the better, if they're not... I'm just glad I found my way back to the good guys. If hadn't been for Spike and the guys... I don't want to think about what I could've become."
"But Xander...you're a good person."
"I'm a better person. I wasn't for awhile. Riley, before Spike and I found each other...I did some things that... I'm not proud of them. My motives when I first turned to magic were anything but altruistic. And I was changed. I'm not the person I was. I'm not innocent anymore. I am guilty of evil, including arranging the death of someone in order to protect my own interests. But then Spike came into my life. He helped me shed most of the anger and hate that was driving me, and when Wesley came...he brought me a purpose. He gave me my own means of redemption. And because I've returned to fighting the good fight, because my motivations for using the magic are positive ones... I'm still changing, but now I'm becoming someone better suited to helping people. Before...I don't know what I was turning into. I don't wanna know."
There was quiet in the kitchen for a moment. Spike came to sit beside Xander while Wes and Oz brought over plates, silverware, and a platter full of pancakes. Plates were filed and sighs of pleasure filled the room as the food was sampled. The smells and sounds brought Cordelia from the living room. Snagging her own plateful she joined the others at the table. Breakfast was consumed in silence. It wasn't until Doyle and Cordy were washing the dishes and the others were playing bridge that the evening was interrupted.
A knock on the kitchen door stopped all activity in the kitchen. Spike and Angel moved to the door in perfect unison. They waited a moment until the knock was repeated; then the door was yanked open. Tara tumbled into the room barely conscious. Pale and shaking, she was trying to say something with lips so cracked dried blood had caked in the corners.
Xander was pulling her into his arms while Wes chanted madly. Oz ran for their herb bag, while Riley brought a wet rag and a bowl of clean cool water. Cordy ran into the living room, there was a yelp and a thud, and then she was back with the blanket that had been covering up Willow and Buffy. Giles was kneeling next to Xander with a first aid kit. The young witch's wrists were raw and bleeding, and the Watcher was cleaning and bandaging with a skill most doctors would envy. Oz was back then, trailed by the half-asleep and all pissed occupants of the couch.
"Tara....Tara can you answer me? I need to know what happened to you so I can help you. Come on Tara, talk to me."